Throughout my journey as a psychologist, I often thought that my work shielded me from mental problems. However, as it turned out, depression may strike even psychologists. I hear stories of clients and their struggles, and even sometimes they say “There is no worth in living life till death”. As a helper, I offer them advice, to overcome the situation that they are facing. But suddenly in a session, I was wondering what if I feel depressed the same as they do.
And then a few months ago, I found myself in that situation. As a psychologist, I have pursued my degree in Counseling, working with adolescents, students, adults, and couples for quite a few years, helping them to deal with various challenges. I barely thought about myself and this could help me to deal with my own problems However, for me, that was just not the case.
A series of factors caused my depression; family pressure, financial turmoil, noise pollution, illness and so many other things that I didn’t even acknowledge. Being a psychologist, I was aware of the early signs of depression. You can’t see that you are not thinking normally. All the things present to you with grey and black shadows. Feeling fatigued and losing interest in your day-to-day activity. I had all of these emotions. I was aware of the warning signs, but I erroneously imagined that they were simply the ups and downs of everyday life.
But one day I crashed. While talking over the phone my fiancée found out that I’ve been struggling with myself, having no motivation to lead my life. I can sense that I am sleeping for more than 8 to 9 hours a day and still, I couldn’t get out of bed and go to work. I just couldn’t. I started to doubt my ability to get over it. I couldn’t see a way out of what felt like the bottom of a deep ocean, impossible to swim back onto the top of the shore.
My fiancée who also is a psychologist, trying to be connected as much as she could, suggested whether I should talk with my other colleagues about my depression or my supervisor and coincidently one of my colleagues came forward. I could feel her empathetic glance toward me as she felt what I was going with at that moment. She opened her door for a discussion regarding my ongoing situation.
During our discussion, we started exploring all the things that we generally say to the people who come to take counseling sessions. “Have you tried keeping a thought record?” “Try thinking about some of the things that you enjoy.” Finally working with myself for months, things started very slowly to get better. I got out of bed, I walked, I talked and I began sleeping properly again. Throughout the journey, my colleague and my fiancée helped me as a shadow psychologist to battle against all the woods. Now I had an insight into what the people that I worked with felt like.
I started very slowly to get better. I got out of bed, I walked, I talked and I began sleeping properly again. My brain had felt frozen for so long, but with all this help it suddenly started to thaw, and I plucked up the courage to tell my work why I had been away.
Has this encounter altered who I am? I still work as a psychologist, but I believe that I have improved my self-care, pacing, and communication skills in addition to my ability to listen. I also have a wonderful, understanding partner, as well as family, friends, and coworkers. However, on sometimes, when a client shares about their depression or history of depression, I respond by saying, “I think I know something about what you might be feeling.”
I’m glad that I have gone through this experience. It may even have made me into a better psychologist. I can connect with other people and understand on a different level than before. And time and time again when it’s needed, I admit to people that I have also experienced that deep valley.
Joyonto Dasgupto
Psychologist, wEvolve
